Sexiest Junk Food Mascots

1. Betty Crocker

Why she's hot: Because she's not real!

 

Despite what we may tell our feminist girlfriends, every guy agrees that photoshopped-to-perfection magazine models are way hotter than real-life girls.

 

Well, Betty Crocker takes magazine-cover airbrushing to the next level. She's not just one woman, she is a composite of 75 (!) women. Take 75 beautiful women and merge together the best features of them all? What's not to like?

 

Why she's not: The only flaw here is that 1965-era Betty was quite a bit hotter, in my opinion. Sweet Georgie, look at those eyes! Look at those lips! You can totally see that she wants me.

 

2. Land O'Lakes Girl

Why she's hot: Three words, my friend: Land O'Lakes Trick. Google it!

 

(...ok, ok. You are lazy--I get it. I will Google it for you: Click here for this NSFW image!)

 

See that? Cut the knees from one Land O'Lakes Girl and paste it on another and Kazaam! You have yourself a semi-pornographic cardboard peepshow.

 

(If you don't think this is hot, then maybe it's because you weren't shown this by your older cousin when you were a kid, just as your sexual curiosity began to blossom. At a time when nipples were still somewhat unsettling to see, a brief glimpse of this perfectly smooth, glistening chest was just what the doctor ordered. )

 

Even as an adult, this classic image of a perfectly submissive woman--gladly offering her buttery breasts on a platter as though it were food--is all at once erotic, offensive, and erotic precisely because it's offensive.

 

Why she's not: It's generally not a good idea to date Native American chicks. I mean, what if you accidentally get her pregnant? Sure, you could ask her to get an abortion, but then you'd look like an Indian Giver!

 

3. Little Debbie

Why she's hot: I feel a little creepy putting this one on the list. After all, she looks a bit young. But shit, she's gotta be 18 by now, right?

 

Here are the reasons Debbie is hot. One, she has that "farmer's daughter" look going on. Face it--farmer's daughters are hot. Everybody wants to sleep with the farmer's daughter, even when it means staring down the barrel of a shotgun when he catches you.

 

But there's more. Her food tends to be pretty erotic, too! Think about your favorite Little Debbie snack cakes. Nutty Bar. Creme Pie. Fudge Round. Honey Bun. Virtually all of her snack names have some sort of sexual connotation. And I can't be the only person who hears "Zebra Cakes" and imagines an 18 year old Debbie wearing wild zebra-print lingerie.

 

Why She's Not: Hostess doesn't have a girl mascot, but if they did, it would be way hotter than Debbie. Anybody who eats snack cakes as often as I do knows that Little Debbie is a dime store hooker compared to Hostess.

 

4. Utz Girl

Why she's hot: Look at that blushing face, as she reaches into that bag of who-knows-what! How adorable is that? You little minx!

 

That is the kind of reaction I always hope to get when I pull the ol' Movie Date Popcorn Trick (but so far have not once gotten).

 

Why she's not: While searching for Utz Girl pictures, I came across this real-life Utz Girl costume:

 

Why she's hot: She may not be "attractive" in the traditional sense, with her fat elderly body and hard plastic-ey skin. But what more than makes up for that, is the fact that she is a BOTTLE THAT COMES ALIVE.

 

There's something hot about that. That's why Mannequin and Mannequin 2: On the Run were so successful--it tapped into every guy's latent fantasy to have an inanimate object secretly come to life and let us put it in 'em.

 

Why she's not: Clearly, I am stretching here. She made this list by default. I could not think of more than five female junk food mascots.

5. Mrs. Butterworth